Yes I do love you in a way I can’t even begin to explain, but the point is: I don’t know if I believe in love anymore…
And that’s all your fault.
Várias coisas, desde alguns significados pessoais até uma música…
O que foi decisivo pra mim que eu deveria fazer foi isso, que expressou completamente tudo o que eu sentia:
‘Ever is my favorite word. It means both everything and nothing… It is ultimate happines and the promise of nothing. Ever is the word tha makes me cry… Never ever… Forever.’
Does it mean you’re getting better when you begin to feel less suicidal and more homicidal?
Teehee.
Tenho sim, mas uma só por enquanto..
I haven’t felt this way in a long, long time and I don’t know what to do about it: I wish I was dead.
Depression and paranoia happened, really.
I can’t explain all the details here, I’d send you an inbox if you weren’t anonymous, but in short… a lot of things happened but what I was talking about is: a few months ago I broke up with my boyfriend believing it was the right thing to do and it definetely wasn’t. Now I just can’t get over all the things that happened when we weren’t together. I just can’t. Mostly because there are more people involved and they don’t leave me alone.
I have so few friends I can count on at the moment, and most of them live in other places, so it’s been really painful to face everything ‘alone’. I still have my boyfriend and we are crazy about each other, he’s the man of my life, but I know I’m driving him mad and I know that if I don’t get better he’ll slowly start to get really sick of me.
I’m also really insecure about my college and I can’t concentrate to do all the work I need to do. I met so many nice new people and yet I can’t get close to anyone. I feel alone but I don’t want to make new friends because I don’t want anyone else realizing that I’m a fucking monster. Each day has been a fight to me, I can’t even look at a mirror without feeling really really bad. I hate all this drama, I wish I could just be more rational and practical because this is killing me.
I need to stop torturing myself. I can’t help it. I can’t get over. I can’t stop thinking. I’m paranoid as fuck and everything that happened months ago still makes me want to cry and kill and die. I just want to punch their fucking faces and kick their heads on the sidewalk and watch them bleed to death and I’m not even kidding. I wouldn’t feel sorry. I would make them watch me smile and I would show them I won. I always win. I can’t control myself anymore and I don’t know what I am capable of. I’m slowly becoming more alone than I’ve ever felt in my whole life. I’m hurting the few people who still love me. They’re all getting sick and tired of me and I don’t know what to do. I can’t go on by myself anymore. I need help. I need fucking help. I don’t have a safe place anymore. My own tears burn my face, but my blood is like warm, sweet water. I still can’t believe everything that happened. I still can’t believe someone did that to me. I feel violated and I feel worthless. Have you ever felt like your whole existence is meaningless because the only fucking reason you had to keep breathing simply didn’t care about you anymore? Have you ever made the terrible mistake of walking away from someone without noticing they were the fucking world to you? I made the biggest mistake I could possibly think of, and now I can’t face the consequences. I can’t face the fact that I made a mistake. I’m crying again. I need fucking help.
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